Jefferson Fisher: How to Argue Less and Talk More | Buffini Podcast
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As a fifth-generation trial attorney, Jefferson Fisher had seen how conversations can end in misunderstandings and arguments leaving both parties frustrated and unhappy.
He also saw another, more measured way, of how to communicate more effectively. It was his father, in particular, who Fisher calls “a role model of diplomacy,” who showed him the importance of having a “very quick to listen, slow to speak personality.”
After deciding to leave the firm where he was working, Fisher started sharing content online focusing on how to “argue less and talk more.” Those videos clearly resonated — he has become a viral sensation with over 10 million-plus followers across an array of different platforms.
Recently Fisher was a guest on Brian Buffini’s podcast, “It’s a Good Life,” where he discussed some of the practical strategies outlined in his New York Times bestseller, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More.
Why ‘Digging In’ Doesn’t Work
When it comes to trying to win an argument, Fisher noted, “The more you tell somebody they’re wrong, the more convinced they are they’re right.”
As a result, conversations can lead to standoffs or even the end of a relationship.
Fisher advises instead of digging in more, try softening your stance and calmly asking the other person questions.
“It allows enough slack for people to actually communicate and come to a better understanding,” he added.
It’s important to remember, he said, that often we are not talking to the person we think we are; rather, we are talking to a version of who they are at that moment. We aren’t always privy to what they are going through in their lives.
“Usually if somebody is sending me a negative email or I’m getting a frustrated call, it’s not something I have done. It is something that happened long before they ever talked to me,” he noted.
Having that awareness, he added, can help you from automatically responding in a negative manner.
Control Conversation Outcomes
Too often, Fisher believes, we let the other party control the outcome of a difficult conversation because you’re not prepared ahead of time.
“If you do not set a goal, then the other person will set the goal for you. They will start to decide why you’re talking to them, what you need,” he explained.
“Now, what happens? That creates a lot of anxiety for the other person. You typically will start to over explain,” he added.
Try approaching a conversation with a framework, he advises, that has a beginning and a clear, defined end. Let the other person know why exactly you want to talk to them and what you hope the outcome will be from that conversation.
One example he shared is perhaps you were upset about some comments made at a prior meeting. You ask to meet the person and let them know it’s to discuss those comments. The outcome you desire is that both parties will agree those comments will not be made again at future meetings.
“When you build in the very beginning, the takeaway, it makes everything easier,” he said.
Assertion Versus Aggression
Aggressive behavior doesn’t respect either party, while being assertive can respect both, Fisher said.
“I respect you and I respect myself. I can be upset with you and still connect with you. I can disagree with you and still be kind about it,” he added.
That philosophy also ties in with what he calls having “manual mindset.”
“If somebody is saying something ugly to you, instead of going, ‘me, what about you?’ which is remote control, manual says, ‘yeah, if you go to page 78, line two, subsection B, yeah, you’ll see I don’t respond to that volume. I don’t respond to that tone. I don’t allow people to disrespect me.’”
“And that allows you to have more of a boundary mindset, allows you to have more of an assertive mindset.”
Listen to the entire podcast at itsagoodlife.com.
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