How to Build and Repair Trust with Dr. Henry Cloud | Buffini Podcast
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In business and in life, trust isn’t just a nice-to-have—it’s the fuel that makes everything else work. Dr. Henry Cloud, renowned leadership expert and author of Trust: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken, believes that trust is so important that it’s actually the foundation for growth, connection, and even our ability to take risks.
But real trust goes far deeper than simply believing someone won’t lie or steal, he adds.
“There are plenty of people who won’t cheat you,” he notes, “but you still wouldn’t want to work with them again.”
As a recent guest on Brian Buffini’s It’s a Good Life podcast, Cloud discussed this issue in depth. Here are some highlights from their conversation.
Cloud said real, lasting trust depends on three key factors: understanding, motive, and character (or competence).
Really ‘Getting’ Someone
Before anyone puts their trust in you, they have to feel understood, he said. That’s not the same as just listening to them; rather, it’s when the other person genuinely senses that you “get” them.
“You understand somebody when they understand that you understand, and that’s a loop you’ve got to close,” he added.
Motive Matters
Once someone feels understood, they instinctively begin to question motive, Cloud said. In essence, is this about you — or them?
Cloud gave Buffini an example from his own life when choosing a knee surgeon. The first doctor didn’t listen. The second did, until he turned Cloud’s case into a teaching example for his students. In that moment, the doctor’s motive was exposed, Cloud noted. He cared more about what mattered to him than what mattered to Cloud.
Character — The Ethical, Moral Foundation
When it comes to character, Cloud said, most people think about whether someone is honest or not. But there are actually more components to that.
“Character is really our entire makeup. And it has a lot of components. There’s the moral, ethical — that’s the foundation,” he said.
Even if someone understands you and means well, trust still collapses without character and competence. A well-intentioned doctor who lacks skill is just as dangerous as a dishonest one. Cloud points out that people often confuse moral integrity with full character. Yet emotional control, consistency, and reliability are just as critical, he added.
Competence, too, is context-specific. You might trust a friend with your kids but not with your business. Trust is earned in every domain, every time.
Ultimately, Cloud says, the same principles apply to trusting yourself. Self-awareness —knowing your impulses, motives, and blind spots — is what lets you make wise decisions and recover from mistakes.
“You can’t trust yourself,” he said, “if you don’t understand yourself.”
Trust and Forgiveness
One of the biggest problems many people have, Cloud said, is “trusting the wrong people and also in not trusting them.”
Adding to that is saying you forgive someone, but something holds you back from really meaning it.
“People think if you’ve forgiven somebody, that that means we’re going to go forward and trust,” he explained. “Remember this, forgiveness is free. That’s something we give to somebody that they don’t deserve. If they deserved it, they wouldn’t need to be forgiven, right? You forgive a debt that somebody can’t pay. So, forgiveness is something you do by yourself.”
He advises that the first thing you do when you are trying to repair trust is to sit down with the person and “have a conversation.”
“Do they understand? Do they understand how they’ve hurt you? And does it really bother them other than guilt and shame?” he added. “Do they have real remorse?”
“And when you see that kind of brokenness and concern, and they own it and they say, ‘I’m just really sorry,’ okay, at that point, then now they’re forgiven and now we’re reconciled,” he added. “And that’s going to take some time.”
To listen to the entire conversation, click on itsagoodlife.com.
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