The First Secret to Connecting with People with Charles Duhigg | Buffini
Do you want to unlock the secret language of connection? In a special 2-part “It’s a Good Life” podcast, bestselling author Charles Duhigg shared what makes conversations really work and how we can all learn to be super-communicators. Here are some of the top takeaways:
Identify the 3 types of conversations
When you’re having a discussion with someone, you might assume it’s about one thing, such as how your day went or where you’re planning to go on vacation. From a neural perspective, however, you can be having multiple different conversations in one discussion! Practical conversations are when you’re solving problems together. Emotional conversations are about confiding your feelings and wanting the other person to empathize and relate. Social conversations are all about relating to each other and the identities that matter to you. The problem is that when you’re unknowingly having different conversations at the same time, it can be hard to really hear each other. True communication is about learning how to match what kind of conversation is happening and inviting others to match you.
Ask deep questions to build connection
Listening isn’t just about passively absorbing, it’s about asking the right questions. When you ask deep questions about someone’s values, beliefs or experiences you can really connect and communicate. An example would be not just enquiring what someone does for a living during a conversation, but asking them what they love about their job. When you ask someone how they feel about their life, not just the hard facts, they will often reveal who they really are and what kind of mindset they’re in.
Listen properly
Often when someone’s talking to you, especially when it’s about something you disagree on, they can start to suspect that you’re not actually listening, you’re just waiting your turn to jump in. One of the most important ways to short-circuit that suspicion is to prove that you are listening, not by what you do while they’re speaking, but by what you do when they stop! This is known as ‘looping for understanding.’ First, ask a question, preferably a deep one. Second, repeat back in your own words what you heard them say. The goal here is to match them and to show that you’ve been paying attention and you’re thinking about what they said. Third, ask if you got what they were trying to say right. This eliminates the suspicion in the back of their mind that you might not have been listening.
George Bernard Shaw once said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” To learn more about becoming a super-communicator in business and in life, listen to the latest episode of “It’s a Good Life”.
